Katie (eilonwy77) wrote,
Katie
eilonwy77

Just thinking….

I'm feeling mopey, so I'm going to talk myself out of it. Feel free not to listen. :-)

I'm having a frustrating time with this story, probably because it's for someone and so I want it to be my best effort. But that's so paralyzing. I need to get back in the mindset that crap is OK in a draft. I need to just spit out stupid scenes. I can always delete them later. But actually doing the narrative brings in all sorts of details and ideas that never come when I'm planning. Then I can rewrite it to make all the new ideas consistent.

I did get over 1000 words today, because rawks made me do it. Thanks rawks! As I go I realize there is almost no description, that the whole setting is very much a whole lot of nothing. I have to tell myself to not worry about it, to just keep going, and come back later.

The whole beginning that got written could very likely be scrapped. But a few of the ideas that occurred while writing it might be quite valuable. It's just hard to think that those were all wasted words.

I've been very anxious lately. I guess I always am, but it's worse now that I'm trying to talk to people. I keep feeling like I say the wrong thing. I go to my psychiatrist tomorrow, just for a maintenance appointment. I've been on medicine for depression for years and always will be. Generally it's fine. But maybe I should mention the anxiety too. I'll probably be too anxious to mention it, lol. Maybe it should be a counseling thing. I haven't done that in eight years. When I was pregnant with kid #2, I was severely depressed and tried the counseling. That was the time when the only thing that could make me feel even half-way OK was writing. But the depression was all hormonal. The day I had that baby, everything was fine again.

My daughter is going to counseling for anxiety now. I go in with her and learn the techniques. I could try them more than I have. Our insurance deductible is really high, so it's kind of expensive. Hmm.

Something is just strange in my head lately. Maybe trying to talk to people. It's really making my emotions go haywire. I'll get so happy and then so anxious and then so sad. Maybe I was meant to be a hermit. :-) Not that I haven't had f plenty of riends. But in the end I'd usually rather just go read a book or something.

I've generally liked meeting people on the internet, because they can have the same nerdy interests. I met people talking about ballet and space weather and LEGO and parenting and blogging. The people I meet in the real world tend to not have the same weird interests. Not that they're not also wonderful and full of things to talk about.

When I was working as a teacher I'd be tense and anxious, constantly on alert that something would go wrong or I want doing it well enough. I wonder how much of the happiness I have being a stay-home mom is from the reduction in anxiety? I'm not the kind of person to worry that my kids won't turn out, so it's pretty anxiety free.

Something about taking to people now is strange. It's very distracting from reading and writing. My head gets filled up with thoughts from conversations, and then just wants more conversation. It'd be better if I could chat a short while and forget about it.

It all seems strange. I guess it's the excitement of taking to new people after not having done so for a long time?


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Tags: anxiety, rambling, thoughts, word spew, writing
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